An old Scottish proverb says that “Open confession is good for the soul.”  The confession below has been percolating in my heart for a while.  Let me warn you that it is painfully honest and reveals areas of my own immaturity.  But on the other side of the confession is an important lesson… an ongoing principle that literally is becoming life and breath to me.

This past May, I began using a CPAP machine.  What is that? It is a unit that produces Continuous Positive Airway Pressure for unobstructed breathing.  Connected to the device is a flexible hose through which a prescribed amount of compressed air flows into a face mask.  When worn, air pressure is maintained in the throat so that the airway does not collapse as muscles naturally relax during sleep.  The first time I used it, I experienced such deep rest that I did not move at all during the night – a striking contrast to months of poor sleep.

To be painfully honest, I hadn’t really included God in the process of determining that I needed a CPAP machine.  Why?  In retrospect, I believed that I got myself into this position and I would have to be the one who would get myself out of it.  In my mind, I had made my bed, and now I had to lie in it.  Pardon the pun.  You see, a medical exam and two sleep studies indicated that while there are some genetic structural abnormalities, in my case, the tipping point in my sleep apnea was self-inflicted: my weight. 

It was more than just stubbornness and physical issues why I left God out of the picture.  Pride and condemnation were also factors.  Let me explain.  Sleep studies are not pretty.  In fact, they are rather humbling.  Imagine lying in the dark, strung up with long wires leading to electrodes that are glued all over your head, chest, arms and legs.  Add a heart monitor clipped to your finger and oxygen tubes taped to your face blowing air into your nostrils, all the while being watched by others through a video camera mounted on the ceiling.  There is also a microphone with a sign on the wall that says, “Remember, you are being recorded.” The scenario is topped off with the technician’s voice saying through the intercom, “Just relax and go to sleep.”  Taking advantage of my predicament in this chilly room, the enemy tossed me a “Snuggie” of condemnation and invited me to put it on.  I unwisely obliged.  Fueled by condemnation, my mind raced with multi-faceted thoughts of “This is what you get,” “You deserve this,” and “You got yourself into this situation and you will have to get yourself out of it.”  I found myself agreeing with those thoughts and allowed pride to get in the driver’s seat.  The second sleep study experience (having slept so poorly the first time) rehashed the same mental monologue, reaffirming all that I was feeling.

I sped along in my independence for weeks until I came upon the story of King Asa in 2 Chronicles.  At the end of his season of leadership, he became diseased, and “his malady was severe; yet in his disease he did not seek the Lord, but the physicians.”  It was a painful revelation that exposed my heart.  I had done the same thing as Asa.  Regardless of the reasons, I had not sought God’s heart on the matter.  At that moment, God invited this child, wrapped in an unholy Snuggie, to draw near to Him.

Broken and humbled, I spent a long morning with God laying my heart wide open before Him.  In the stillness, I heard Him say, “This is your Ezekiel 37 season.”  I quieted my heart all the more and continued to listen.  “I want you to receive this CPAP machine not as punishment, but instead as a gift from Me.” 

Thirsty for more, I turned to Ezekiel 36 and 37.  I read through chapter 36, then began 37, pausing at verse 5.  “Surely, I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live… then you shall know that I am the Lord.”  I kept reading to verse 14: “’I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live…”   As I read, God began to speak to me about my past, my present and my future.  He showed me dead areas and dry bones that He wanted to resurrect and that I needed His continuous breath, the Holy Spirit, to enter me in order to live.

I believe it is true of all of us.  The numerous references in Scripture to God “breathing” into us (in addition to the Ezekiel passage) identify our need.  In Job 32:8, the young man Elihu made it clear that it is the Spirit in person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding.  In John 20, Jesus breathed on his disciples saying to them, “Receive the Hoy Spirit.”  Even in the prophetic imagery of Revelation there is reference to the breath of life from God [Revelation 11:11].  We desperately need the Holy Spirit.  Like Elihu identified, we need “The breath of the Almighty” supplying continuous ‘divine airflow,’ so to speak, of wisdom, understanding, counsel, power, knowledge and the fear of the Lord [Isaiah 11:2]. 

So, my confession leads to the question: Are you feeling “Out of breath?”  Are circumstances choking you, obstructing your breathing?  In 1878, Anglican Priest and scholar, Edwin Hatch, penned this prayer: “Breathe on me breath of God, fill me with life anew, that I may love what Thou dost love, and do what Thou wouldst do.”  Perhaps you would want to take a moment to pause from the intensity of your life, exhale completely, and breathe in, praying that very prayer.

This is a great prayer for Aldersgate Renewal Ministries as well.  As you are led, I invite you to join with me in intercession:  “Breath on us, breath of God, fill us with life anew.  That we may love what Thou dost love, and do what Thou would do.”

Let’s watch and see what God will do.